Tension and Conflicts Between Aging Parents and Adult Children
Daheng Shen
Traditionally, researchers have focused on the relationship between mid-age parents and adolescent children. There was little research on the relationship, especially the tension and conflicts, between aging parents and adult children. When we think of aging parents and adult children, we usually have a loving and caring picture in our minds. However, there is clear evidence that tension and conflicts exist between older parents and children, and the complaint is from both sides. Gerontologists Clarke, Preston, Raskin, and Bengtson have conducted survey and data analysis in 1999 showing that there exist 6 major kinds of conflicts between aging parents and adult children.
The usual image of a loving and caring relationship between aging parents and adult children
Type 1: Communication and Interaction Style
Conflict over the way family members engage in their relationships across generation.
This is the most common conflicts type. 25% of parents and 30% of children report conflicts under this category. Both parents and children complain about lack of communication between family members.
This is the most common conflicts type. 25% of parents and 30% of children report conflicts under this category. Both parents and children complain about lack of communication between family members.
Type 2: Habits and Lifestyles
Conflicts over lifestyle issues: sexual activity/orientation/experiences, living arrangements, quality of life, the allocation of resources and or education.
38% of parents and 30% of children report conflicts under this category. This is usually due to parents' disapproval of their children's choices in life such as clothes , choice of marital status, and food choices.
38% of parents and 30% of children report conflicts under this category. This is usually due to parents' disapproval of their children's choices in life such as clothes , choice of marital status, and food choices.
Type 3: Child-rearing Practices and Values
Conflicts over methods or philosophy regarding parenting.
14% of parents and 16% of children report conflicts under this category. The children mainly have 2 complaints: 1, the parent's parenting methods in the past; 2. the parents' attitude towards grandchildren. The parents usually criticize the children's parenting methods toward grandchildren.
14% of parents and 16% of children report conflicts under this category. The children mainly have 2 complaints: 1, the parent's parenting methods in the past; 2. the parents' attitude towards grandchildren. The parents usually criticize the children's parenting methods toward grandchildren.
Type 4: Politics, Religion, and Ideology
Disagreement about religious, moral, ethical, and political attitudes or ideas.
9% of parents and 15% of children report conflicts under this category. Most of the times the children complain that the parents are being too conservative, however, there are also cases where the opposite happen. In one case, "the son (43) speaks of conflict regarding 'politics. I'm conservative, mom's [63] liberal".
9% of parents and 15% of children report conflicts under this category. Most of the times the children complain that the parents are being too conservative, however, there are also cases where the opposite happen. In one case, "the son (43) speaks of conflict regarding 'politics. I'm conservative, mom's [63] liberal".
Type 5: Work Habits and Orientation
Differences concerning priority and investment given work (or school) performance, advancement, or status.
10% of parents and 4% of children report conflicts under this category. It is not surprising that reports from the parents' side is more than twice the amount from the children's side. In most of the cases, the parents complain that the children work too much and have no time for family, or work too little and are not serious about work.
10% of parents and 4% of children report conflicts under this category. It is not surprising that reports from the parents' side is more than twice the amount from the children's side. In most of the cases, the parents complain that the children work too much and have no time for family, or work too little and are not serious about work.
Type 6: Household Maintenance
Conflicts over participation in maintenance or improvement of family living environment.
This is the least common type of conflicts, with only 4% of parents and 1% of children report conflicts under it. This usually happens when the children move back in with their parents temporarily, and it significantly improves after the children move out again. This conflicts happen more often among mother and daughter
This is the least common type of conflicts, with only 4% of parents and 1% of children report conflicts under it. This usually happens when the children move back in with their parents temporarily, and it significantly improves after the children move out again. This conflicts happen more often among mother and daughter
How to build a positive relationship between aging parents and adult children
Here are some advises from Dr. Jeffrey Arnett, research professor of psychology and director of the Clark University Poll of Parents of Emerging Adults
Sources:Bengtson, V. L., Edward J. Clarke, Mar Preston, and Jo Raskin. "Types of Conflicts and Tensions Between Older Parents and Adult Children." The Gerontologist 39: 261-270. Print.
Swanbrow, Diane. "Still irritating after all these years: Study of adult children and parents." University of Michigan News Service, University of Michigan, 5 May 2009. Web. 1 July 2014.
"Building Positive Relationships." n.d. Texas A&M AgriLife Extension Service. 21 Nov. 2013. Web. 1 July 2014. <>.
Swanbrow, Diane. "Still irritating after all these years: Study of adult children and parents." University of Michigan News Service, University of Michigan, 5 May 2009. Web. 1 July 2014.
"Building Positive Relationships." n.d. Texas A&M AgriLife Extension Service. 21 Nov. 2013. Web. 1 July 2014. <>.